Thursday, June 14, 2012

Oh, The Games We Play

My boyfriend, Chris, recently discovered a fun game to play. Just start typing in random words into Google search and see what all those twisted fucks out there are searching for answers for. The top four searches will appear in the dropdown for whatever it is you type in. Like for example, typing in "Can I give ..." will give you: 1) "Can I give my dog aspirin?" (Well, does he have a headache? Well did you ask him? No, you say? He's a dog and can't tell you his symptoms? He's got no vocal chords well-developed speech center and therefore can't sing or recite the Gettysburg Address or tell you to go F yourself with your stinking asprin--give me the tylenol with codeine, biotch! Well, there's your friggin answer!)* 2) "Can I give my dog tylenol?" (Really, people? This is what's weighing on the minds of millions of Americans? I mean how much stress are you creating in your dog's life where he needs to be popping pills all day? Are you sickos forcing Fido to do your taxes? Mow the lawn? Look at pictures of Carrot Top??) 3) "Can I give my dog benadryl?" (So now your pooch has allergies ... probably from being forced to mow your fricking jungle of a lawn you twisted sister. I really should be calling animal services on your ass.)

Just whatever you do, do not bring this game up to your girlfriend's family (*cough*Chris*cough*)--who, by the way, you just happen to be meeting for the first time--using "How much does" as your first example--or any example for that matter--and then divulge that the #1 search for this little nugget of a question is "How much does an abortion cost?" during a previously innocent family game of poker in the game room with a nice roaring fire going, the dog curled up all cozy on your 12-year-old nephew's lap, and a frigging Linda Rondstadt song playing softly in the distance, because now everyone is thinking, "Why did he just tell us that? Is Amy one of the millions of people looking this up?" And then all of a sudden your sneaky instigator sister pipes up and says, "I heard that only what you yourself look up all the time pops up in the dropdown!" (And, by the way, said sister doesn't even have an email account so I don't even know where she even gets off acting like she's all Bill Gates all of a sudden.). And now my whole family definitely thinks at at some point I had resorted to looking up this question all because my boyfriend thought the price of baby removals was a topic of polite conversation. For the record, as far as I know, I've never been pregnant, unless you count that time where I ate a dozen chocolate chip cookies in one sitting my freshman year at college (it was more like the freshman 50 for me), and then a pan of brownies, and then maybe a squirt of whipped cream or two, but I'm pretty sure I only felt pregnant. Yeah. Definitely do not bring it up then.

*I actually had to Google whether or not dogs had vocal chords. Turns out, they do but they do not have "a well-developed speech center." If they did, they would for sure tell me what a nimnud I am.