Monday, March 23, 2009

Porno Turrets: The New Epidemic

Last week, I went out with a guy who I can only assume had a hopefully rare case of porno Turrets. I think my first mistake was meeting him online. But when he called to ask me out, he seemed so charming I couldn't resist. He even told me about a couple of his own online dating disasters, one involving a girl who got so wasted she fell on the street and chipped a tooth. I told him about the guy whose nose started bleeding onto his dinner and didn't realize it until he bit into a fry--which he remarked tasted oddly like a nickel. We both had online dating battle scars and had our bars set prettay, prettay low--I might have my quirks but I am a girl who can handle her rum and keep all of her teeth intact.

We met at a favorite bar of mine in town--a bar I seem to take all my first dates to. It's gotten so bad in the past month with my flurry of dates that I'm starting to worry the waiter thinks I'm charging for them. When my date showed up, I breathed a sigh of relief. He was as cute as his picture and had a great smile. Our conversation started normally enough--the usual getting-to-know you stuff. We ordered some food and the talk turned toward favorite cuisines, and he mentioned how he hates brussel sprouts.

"Well, I have a recipe for brussel sprouts with bacon," I said. "I could definitely get you to start liking your veggies. Everything tastes better with bacon."

"Wow. My dad hates brussel sprouts too. If you could get me to like brussel sprouts, I'd do things to you," he said, staring me down. "My dad and I would both do things to you."

I looked at him blankly, not quite reconciling the meek, unassuming mini cabbage with the prospect of a threeway involving someone twice my age. Did he really just suggest a threesome with his dad?

"That was weird. I apologize."

"No worries," I replied, taking a huge swig of my rum and Coke. Okay, I thought to myself, he's nervous. He was trying to be funny and it just didn't work. I'll let that one slide.

I quickly turned the conversation to a more safe and, I hoped, less sexy subject than green leafy vegetables, asking him about his work and where he had gone to school.

"I went to school in Florida. Did you look at any other colleges before you decided on Brandeis?"

"Well, I looked at the University of Richmond, but got turned off by the campus. There was a girl's dorm on one end and a guy's dorm on the other, separated by a huge lake. It was too summer camp for me. I could just picture myself canoeing in the middle of the night trying to get to a frat party."

"Yeah," he replied. "Like, my vagina is throbbing. I need to get to the other side!"

Obviously I was going to need more rum to get me through this date. Did he really just say throbbing vagina? I looked around the room, now convinced I was being punked. Throwing out the v-word on a first date is bad enough, but putting the word throbbing before it is borderline criminal. I would have left right then and there, but we had just gotten the food and the calamari there is fabulous. A girl's gotta eat, right?

The rest of the conversation was peppered with other odd sexual innuendoes--masturbation somehow got thrown around during a conversation about an episode of Lost--and I was thankful when the check finally arrived. My date grabbed the check and threw down some cash.

"Well, the waiter was good, but he didn't give me a blowjob or anything."

Oh for the love of ... "Does the waitstaff usually give you a happy ending after a meal? What? You eat a lot of Thai?"

I was surprised when he laughed and didn't actually nod his head in agreement. He suddenly grabbed my hand.

"Hey, I had a lot of fun tonight. I want to see you again. What are you up to next week?"

His grip was so firm I couldn't make a dash for it. For a brief second, I contemplated hitting my head against the table in the hopes of chipping a tooth. In the end, I decided to give it to him straight in language he could understand.

"Well," I said. "I'm free, but my throbbing hooha is completely booked. Sorry."