Wednesday, January 2, 2008

New Year's Heave

On New Year's Eve, I went to a house party hosted by a good friend of mine, who shall remain Belle-less, I mean nameless. We were all sitting around and chatting, having fun playing cards. My friend was having fun pouring us drinks and then spilling them. She would fill up those huge, red Dixie cups to the rim with nice champagne and then hand us a cup, which was really nice of her except she would forget to wait for our hand to take it. Needless to say, by the end of the night, I was on drunk detail, helping my friend out while Mr. Belvedere (vodka) worked his evil ways on her. I didn't really think too much of it--I mean, I only did what any friend would do, and I didn'teven get anything on my shirt. All in all, a pretty successful night.

Last night, though, I got a surprise phone call from the concierge: my friend had flowers delivered to me for coming to her aid. I excitedly walked to my building's front desk to retrieve them. The flowers were beautiful: a combination of pussywillows, bluebells, irises, and white roses. The concierge told me that he had had to beat away women from them with his night stick all day. I told the concierge I approved of violence against women only in this case. There were two such women who happened to be standing by the concierge station at that moment. One of the older-looking women practically swooned when she saw the flowers and started gushing, "Oh! How beautiful! What's the wonderful occasion?"

I took a look at her perfectly coiffed hair, Luis Vuitton purse and Chanel suit. Oh shit. "Oh this? This is a little thank you gift from my friend."

"What a lovely friend you have. That's a gorgeous bouquet--you must have done something great to deserve those flowers?"

I nodded in agreement, "Yes, yes, I most certainly did. My friend got a little tipsy on New Year's. I was on vomit detail all night. I guess she was appreciative her house didn't smell like puke the next day."

The women looked at each other in horror. I just hoped they didn't live in the same building as me. I had thought about lying to them, but I just couldn't do it what with it being the new year and resolutions and what not. I don't need to start out the year with that kind of karma. Getting on your hands and knees and cleaning up other people's messes probably isn't the best way to start out a new year either, but hey, at least I came out smelling like roses.