Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Happy Whore-oween!


Somehow, the porn industry has gotten ahold of what used to be a children’s holiday. Searching the net for a costume leaves me with little choice but to shell out a lot of money for not a lot of fabric. Now the naughty cat, the naughty pirate, the naughty devil I can understand, but the naughty nun? The naughty angel? The naughty…Amish woman? I might as well go to the downtown pimp and ho shop and save myself the shipping and handling.

I finally came across a costume that looked both cute and cool: the evil nurse from Kill Bill Volume I. It even came with a little white eye patch--I had to have it! It only came in three sizes: small, medium, and large. I ordered the small with some hesitation as the small claimed to fit anyone from a size 2 to size 8. Two weeks later, my costume arrived in the mail. I excitedly pulled from the box what looked to be an over-sized T-shirt.

‘Hmm, that’s strange,’ I thought to myself, ‘From the picture it looked like she was wearing a dress.' Packing peanuts went flying as I tried in vain to find the non-existent matching skirt. There was no getting around it: that T-shirt was my entire outfit.

‘Well, it can’t be that bad. Maybe it looks more revealing than it actually is.’ I quickly slipped the shirt over my head and looked in the mirror. The presence of my butt cheeks quickly confirmed that the outfit was indeed as revealing as it looked.

As I was going to a good friend’s house party and not, thankfully, going out about the town, I went to The Gap and bought a pair of white, boy-cut underwear and called it a night. It wasn’t until I decided to play a round of pool at the party when the shortness of the outfit actually came into play. Unbelievably, I couldn’t figure out why a crowd of guys would suddenly appear to watch whenever I had a particularly hard shot across the table I had to lean into. One of the guys’ girlfriends quickly filled me in.

I shudder to think what the onslaught of recent celebrity bad behavior will add to this year’s ho down. I can just imagine some chick walking into the party as Lindsay Lohan, wearing only a string bikini and shades, or perhaps Britney Spears’ a la the too-tight short-shorts and bustier she wore to the MTV Video Music Awards, or, horror upon horrors, her over-exposed vajayjay, which seems to be becoming more of a star than the pop princess herself.

I’m not sure exactly how and when Halloween became such a whore fest, but I for one would like to bring it back to the innocent days of my youth, where I could throw a simple sheet over my head, walk out blindly into the pitch dark, throw out everything I had been taught and take candy from strangers. Remember how fun that was? No? Well can we at least bring back the popcorn balls people? I need something to distract myself from the fact that my “naughty” costume is riding up my ass.